Tuesday this week marked four months since the passing of my hero, my friend, my Papa. As a child I always feared what it would be like to lose one of my grandparents. Back then I think I pictured it more as an absolutely catastrophic day with no really thoughts about the day after. This week I thought a little more about passing through the death of somebody very close and what that really means, at least for me. It isn’t as much as an overwhelmingly impossible day on the day that it happens, but an overwhelming emptiness that seems to hit harder on some days more than others. For me some days it has been easier than I thought, and other days it feels like the sun won’t ever be quite as bright. I have found it very difficult to lose someone who loved me so much.
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| June 2008 |
On June 28, 2011, I arrived at the
Burbank Airport after serving my mission for 16 ½ months. I came home a little
early because my sweet grandpa was really sick. He wasn’t expected to make it
very much longer. He had been in the hospital several times by then and he was
fighting bladder cancer, which was only one of the health challenges that he
was facing. I cannot express the joy of being reunited in person that day.
For two years he fought all manner
of sickness and weakness, but through it all he was such a trooper. He hardly
ever complained; he just wished he could be up and about more. He suffered very
little actual pain, but he lacked the energy and strength to do much. He
touched the lives of all the nurses and doctors that he met during his blood
transfusions and appointments. He still made jokes and tried hard to be a part
of every family event. On May 9, 2013 he took his family to the temple to be
sealed for time and eternity. I saw my grandpa grow so much from the time that
I got home from my mission to the time of his passing on July 5, 2013. His
testimony was stronger and we shared many tender moments together.
Something that really helped me on
the days surrounding his passing was being able to help a lot with his funeral.
As I worked on the program, the obituary, and the talk, I loved being able to
reflect on our memories and his fantastic life. He is such an incredible man! I
loved looking through old pictures and listening to my family share memories
that they remembered about him. I listened to songs that reminded me of him (Dean Martin’s “That’s
Amore” and Frank Sinatra’s “The Way You Look Tonight” to name just a few) and I
enjoyed practicing for a piano duet with Reana.
Before I flew to California I decided that I wanted to be strong at his funeral and celebrate his life, versus just be sad and weepy. To be honest, my greatest fear as I
approached the funeral day was completely losing it. I did my fair share of
crying in Florida before I flew home and I have shed tears off and on ever sinceJ,
but I knew that if I started to cry at home I wouldn’t be worth anything during
the funeral and events surrounding it. I remember praying really hard that I
could be strong and happy like Papa always was. I wanted to remember the happy
memories shared about his life and the treasured people that would be at his
funeral, not the sadness that I felt. On the morning of his funeral I woke up
with an empowered and happy countenance.
I know that this blessing of being
happy and positive was not at all coming from just my efforts! It was definitely an answer to my prayers
and the spirit of Papa in my heart. The funeral service went well and the
trip overall was very healing. Words cannot express my gratitude for those of
you who expressed your condolences and love during that time. Even the simplest
acts of kindness and thoughtfulness were so strengthening and uplifting. I felt
your prayers in our behalf. Thank you for the efforts that you made to be there
for us in a variety of ways!
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| Funeral Day |
One blog post can’t cover all of my
feelings, but I wanted to at least get something down since this has been a
significant life change for me. Going back to my childhood thoughts of death, I
don’t think I thought past the initial event. My dear friend Debbie explained
it perfectly. She said that losing a love one makes for a lot of hard days,
but as time passes the good days outweigh the bad. This is definitely true. I
think of Papa everyday and most of the time I laugh remembering the good times,
but other times I just feel like a gaping wound has opened up once more and it
makes my heart literally ache. I miss his voice. I miss his laugh. I miss
talking to him about all the happy things that are going on in my life. I miss
asking for his advice. I miss his stories and daily tales. I miss the tender
way that he would say, “I love you.” I miss his encouraging words and I even
miss his little grunts of approval and sometimes boredom with my endless
detailsJ.
I still feel his love though. I still feel his presence near and I will always
remember his example.
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Papa always had such a vibrant and
positive spirit and attitude. It didn’t matter what hardships were in his life
or how sick he was, he still would crack jokes and smile with that Italian
twinkle in his eye. He always encouraged me to do my best and he was always
there to support me in absolutely everything in my life. He would talk to me
about school, church callings, boys, and whatever else was going on. He would
give me advice and always tell me that I was doing a good job and that
everything would work out. He was my biggest cheerleader. He made me feel like
I could do anything in the world and he truly knew me so well. I couldn’t have
asked for a better father figure. I feel like Nephi when he said that he was
born of goodly parents who loved him and brought him up well. My grandpa played
an influential role in the person that I am today and I treasure my life with
him and the special love and bond that we shared.
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| Always There and Supportive |
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| Happy Graduation |
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| December 2011 |
In True to the Faith tonight we read, “Mourning is one of the deepest
expressions of love. ... The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take
love out of life.” This fit perfectly
with what I have been thinking about his week. Because of the infinite
Atonement of Jesus Christ, I know that I will see my grandfather again. I know
that because of the restored sealing keys of the Priesthood that we can be
together as a family forever.
I know that Heavenly Father loves my
family and me. I saw His hand in our life so vividly as many prayers were
answered in multiple ways, as we went to the temple as a family, as Papa lived
much longer than any doctors predicted, and as God touched my life in helping
me through this healing process. The Gospel of Jesus Christ brings me so much
hope and peace. When one of your loved ones returns to the presence of God, it
truly makes you try harder to be better so that you can be worthy of all the
blessings that come to those who are faithful and endure to the end with a
smile. I am grateful to have my very own heavenly bodyguard watching out for us
and smiling down on us each day.
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| Our Last Day Together in Person |
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| Families are Forever |
